November 26, 2009

The Harvest Feast

The first Thanksgiving a creation myth of America, reinvented in many ways. One to suit each century. The myths change and Thanksgiving is looked upon as the bountiful feast celebrating the appreciation of life, love and family. Thank goodness for that.

Happy Thanksgiving

November 25, 2009

What to do

When I was a preteen I wanted to be a test pilot. I got my first pair of glasses at 12. Pilot dream died and the next best thing was to be Nuclear Physicist. Going to a piss poor high school ended that dream in my freshman year. I did take music lessons all through school, learn to play piano, sax and oboe. Tried out for college orchestra, not good enough. Thought I could get a cush job in the Army when they had tryouts for the WAC band, too bad, three days before they remove a wisdom tooth and I couldn't blow a note. No second chances in the military. Such as my life as been all failed dreams, my last, getting a degree and it not counting for anything; no new job or promotion. People are always comfortable with the way you were.

So now I am retired, the media says it time for me to reinvent myself. The question is how. I am not one who is fortunate to say 60 is the new 40. My body rebels against that. I'm alive without dialysis, but being a kidney transplant patient is still not without its problems. It also takes resources, which I have little for the first year and with utility cost doubling almost every year, inflation and my drug cost; additional income will get sucked up.

Volunteer? No! I given too much out of duty, not for emotional reward. I get nothing out of it. I was intrigued for a while and thought I might enter into a teaching program. My application was accepted, but I bailed out, because it was really designed for young teachers. I would have had to complete a masters in three years while teaching, full time. Too much work to be retired.

I can't stare at the wall, but what to do?

November 21, 2009


Salto de Sete Quedas - Brasil
Creative Commons Some rights reserved

Oft times I live my life in daydreams, which I learned never come true, but somehow they make me happy during the moments I create them.

I fell in love at first sight. True. I am not sure I will ever see him again. True.

During our first encounter I told him I had wanted to see the largest waterfalls of the world during my retirement. During that conversation he told me of a waterfall in South America, which he thought was a most beautiful place. I thought then if our relationship developed, perhaps I could ask him to take me there. I don't remember where, only the visualization of the place. All true.

I have not been able to do very much this past month, so I am left to the internet and the roaming of my mind. True.

He comes to be my lover, we laze around, get our houses together, and travel locally a bit. Finally I ask, can we visit that water fall. He a bit reluctant, but says will we do it.

We are at this waterfall. Its awesome, quite different than Niagara. Our vantage point is high as I imagine with the waterfall somewhat lower elevation parting a very wide gorge through the mountain. Its devoid of the rushing voices of tourist, only the thunder of the falls. As we watch and listen to the falls I feel so joyous that tears come to my eyes. He holding me close, I don't hear the words, but see the ring. I want this. Say yes.

First conversation, made it very clear he had no intention of ever getting married again. True.

I want to get married at this place. we find a way to hook us up to a webcast so friends and family could be present. Then upload to YouTube later for those that missed it. He finds some old acquaintances to be witnesses.

He has a suit and shirt, no tie. He looks fabulous. He cuts quite a figure, still has a tight body. Me? I have little hair, totally gray now, covered with a flower garland and a gauze like shapeless summer dress. I'm wondering, if I'm too old for the dress.

The wedding vows take place at sunset, with our silhouette in the camera. then as we kiss, a song sung in the native language of love, only the female voice. A haunting sound again the backdrop of the falls. We then turn to the camera an tell every one we will visit soon, then good bye. I can't stop smiling.

The day dream not long enough. My retelling may seem trite, but it is a way for me to replay the dream and momentarily have hope. I've been in so much pain the last few weeks. He tells me he is on the road working, that he thinks of me and is looking forward for some time together; that is when he writes. True.

The only true thing that I know is that I fell in love at first sight.

November 20, 2009

Been sick

Still having health problems. Haven't been able to form any kind of post, although there have been a few things on my mind. I have made short comments on others blogs, because it didn't require the same thought process. Hopefully my mind and body will be back soon.