The week that is - 09/05/2010 -09/11/2010

On this day I am thinking about the horrible acts of violence that occur every day. Ones whose date isn't marked, but still the violence takes many victims. I saw this article where a bombing strikes again in Pakistan when half its population is under water last week and then again this week. We can see that vengeance and evil purpose out weighs any compassion. Civil Wars continue and in the Democratic Republic of the Congo rape is a weapon of choice. There is a report from the UN that there were approximately 500 women raped during July and August, I am fairly certain that this continues now. Almost daily in neighborhoods across the US there is a shooting or murder, for some citizens it is like living in a war zone. As my mind drifts I begin to think of the victims of the attack on September 11, 2001; I wonder just how many had immigrated to leave such violence and how many lived in violent neighborhoods here. I also wonder how many of the victims families still struggle in stressful conditions.

Every year we mark this date, while the atrocities continue around us.  Perhaps each day we should mourn for victims of violence. Think of the consequences to humanity and ponder preventive solutions.

Friends with benefits

When you see this in a personal listing, what does it mean? Does it mean someone with whom you can  talk to,  have a few drinks with, share flea market shopping or go to some events and with that you get sex with no commitment? The last part is a certainty, but the first part of that last sentence is what I'd like to change. I might not need someone to talk over a drink or coffee and I could do a lot interesting stuff on my own; but at a certain age, a woman may not be as physically able to fix things around the house as she once was.

This what I'd like to see.

Man with TOOLS seeking woman to be FWB.

Seven Years

UPDATE: If you saw this here Tuesday you are right. I was wrong; the anniversary is today June17, 2003. At least I got the year right. Another senior moment. Having too many lately.

Today is the seventh anniversary of my kidney transplant, June 15, 2003. It is a same day anniversary, although I don't know what time; it was sometime after 4 pm.

My kidneys were destined to fail, I had Polycystic Kidney Disease and in my late thirty's my kidneys began to loose function, however very slowly. When in my mid-fifties the deterioration sped up and my kidney function was monitored very closely. The worst side effect from the disease was hypertension, not until I approached the need for hemodialysis that I became very exhausted. I didn't loose any work, even when I started dialysis December 10, 2001. Since I knew that I would have dialysis, I had had surgery earlier that year to create an access, a Arterio-venous fistula. I am glad it was done early so that I didn't have this.

I got called the evening before, so that they test 27 vials of blood, to match as many antigens and confirm my blood type. Sent home about 1:00pm, there were others tested for this set of kidneys. They came from a cadaver and were put on a pump to keep them viable. Called again the next morning for more test, then late that afternoon I was prepped to go into surgery.

Surgery didn't seem eventful but my whole body was swollen and red, a reaction to the unknown kidney. Then started the daily measurement of liquid I took in, the urine I expelled, the taking of my weight and temperature. While in the hospital, blood test and inter-venous pain killers (morphine pump at first). The medication; humongous sized immunosuppressant pills, huge doses, an anti-biotic and anti-viral,  insulin  and heparin shots. I seemed to be recovering well and I was out an about, then I began to feel more pain, very painful cramps on the side where my kidney is. I complained and only one doctor thought that I should get an ultrasound to check to see if any leakage in my abdomen. Somehow his recommendation got lost. I was schedule to go home in two days and that was that, even though the pain was getting worst. After going home the pain became extreme and I began to lose my voice and throw up when I spoke. During my first visit four days later,  I could barely speak and my sister had to explain how much pain I had been in, then the doctor decided to put me back in the hospital to do an ultrasound. They found that the Ureter of the transplant was leaking and they had to drain the urine from my body. Three days later on a Tuesday, I had another surgery. They took the Ureter from my kidney and attached it to the transplant. They completely removed the transplant Ureter, because it was necrotic. The surgery went well, but they cut through the same scar and the nerves were so damaged I couldn't get my legs to move right for a few days. I am still numb right over the transplant.

Even though the transplant has given me the ability to live better, at times it has seemed like that the treatment has been worst that the disease. Constant diarrhea and the onset of type 2 Diabetes from the types of meds I take. The osteoporosis resulting from the massive doses of Prednisone to keep me from rejecting the kidney, has exasperated the back pain I have had of late. When I had my native kidneys removed, that resulted in having to have another surgery to repair a hernia. Four surgeries within five years killed my stomach muscles, another factor of my back pain. I am now going to physical therapy to strengthen my core. Hopefully, year fourteen will be an anniversary like this, but without anymore side effects of the transplant.

I think I got a gig

I think I...

Pet Peave

I have noticed lately that there seem to be a lot of ad campaigns against the mistreatment of pets. I began to wonder if people value animals more than children, since I have seen relative few ads to help abused children. Another ad came on this morning about abused pets and for some reason it irked me more that at other times. We know in this society what lies ahead for an abused child. Also we know that there may not be good outcome resulting from children who are homeless or go hungry or in very unstable situations. I do know that there are organizations designed to help children in need, but they don't seem to get the word out or have a celebrity pleading with you to help them.

Even though, I am not a pet person, I don't think animals should be mistreated, but I don't think animals should be put ahead of people. When I had expressed that to a co-worker, I was asked why couldn't we advocate for both. I feel that if humans worked on their own problems and eliminate our destructive nature toward other humans, we wouldn't have pet abuse or mistreatment of other animals. This is not to say that we should do nothing about the abuse of animals, it is just that I don't think it is where most of our charity should be placed.

Audition

When I was in high school I played in the band. During football season and parades I played an alto Saxophone and for concerts I played Oboe. My senior year I was entered into a competition to play in a student orchestra, sponsored by the city's Symphony Orchestra. My band teacher selected a piece for the Oboe. I don't remember what it was, but I didn't like it. I did practice because I wanted a chance to play in an orchestra. It was extremely technical and difficult to play, but I thought I had mastered the technique. I didn't get a chance to find out from the Symphony's players or conductor, because my band teacher told me that I wasn't good enough and he would not allow me to audition. 

One might be thinking that he was right, but I had formal music training since I was five and had played a wind instrument for six years and three on the Oboe.  I had been exposed to classical music before I started taking piano lessons. I may not have been good enough, but I was good enough to audition. If I had failed, I would have had the experience and exposure.  In college, this would have given me the confidence to play well enough in the University's orchestra to perform with them.

I thought about this now, because I still want to play, now that I'm retired and I have to start over. Buy an instrument, take lessons and hope that I can attain the facility I had in high school. I do think that I have a better grasp on music interpretation now that I'm older, which I hope will make others willing to play with me.

I think of the reason I was not allowed to audition, it is that I would have been among the first; the first Negro, that burden of perfection.  During that time, that is what Black people wanted to send out into the white world. Yes it was well known that you had to be twice as good or work twice as hard to get that position or recognition, but I wonder how much talent has been stifled, because of some ill conceived notion of not being perfect.

Today forty years later, we are still remarking about the first Negro, which gives the impression that Black people have hardly made any strides. Reflecting on my audition, I am beginning to think that the celebration of the First sends the wrong message.

That student orchestra wasn't filled with white prodigies, they were musicians. Most would never have solo careers or play with the New York Philharmonic, The Philadelphia Orchestra or The Chicago Symphony, but they might have had careers in music, staying in their small town, playing with the local orchestra or ensembles.

Living in the last half of the 20th century

The one thing about living half a century in the 20th was to see the quickness of change that technology brought and how the public discourse has changed. I was reading this post at The Strange Death of Liberal America, "Can Right and Left be friends?" which made me think about a childhood friend, an adult neighbor, who had many discussions with my dad about politics. He was a Republican and my dad, a Democrat. The  conversations never got toxic, didn't create the animus that seem to be so prevalent today. I also thought about a college friend who didn't seem to be so rigid, as to get angry when he was challenged, but forty years later had seem to have gotten ultra sensitive to any criticism. Then as one thought leads to another, I thought back to my childhood when there was not such a bridge between the Black Republican and Democrat. When Edward Brooke was a senator, we were all proud.

The generation gap was created during this time, which I never understood. Sometimes I think it was a media intervention. I could not fathom why there was so much controversy over the music. Rock seem to me to have the same roots as swing. When I said I had an  adult friend, it didn't go beyond the boundaries of adult and child, but I could talk to this person about most things. I remember another neighbor who would give  me cookies or something to drink and sit on the porch and chat with me. At five I was treated with respect as if I had been twenty. As an adolescent I rebelled against my parents, but not to a point where there was a riff. I think when I grew up the expectation was that you would become an adult when you graduated from high school, so you were expected to be more responsible at an earlier age; no long transition into adulthood.

The advent of PC language, the increased sensitivity of groups, the idiocy of group think, the expansion of addictions, the constant talk without substance, seem to be inventions of the last half of the 20th century. I can't say I would have liked to have lived in other times, but I would  have liked the civility of my childhood to have lasted a little longer.

Rant #9

Intrigue - n. - a mysterious or fascinating quality

Concise Oxford English Dictionary

So is everybody that is a celebrity, politician or interesting person intriguing? People magazine started it and now CNN has a feature called Intriguing People.

In a blink of an eye

Beaver Creek, Colorado 

Reminded by a friend's post describing the decent of Franz Klammer in his Gold Medal downhill race in the 1976 Olympics. I remember that run; it was exciting to me. It inspired me. I wanted to learn to ski. Soon forgot the desire, with the stuff of life happening.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kayaktherockies/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

Reading that post, rekindles my desire; but in the blink of an eye, almost 35 years have passed. Now my body is broken.

Landmark

Waiting on this day, to know if I've been forgotten.

The New Year

It is already into the mid of January and I am not well. I had another round with back pain and a knee injury flare up. Both had me flat on my back, unable to move and in much pain. Have been laid up so much these past months that I am week and cannot walk very well. Lost weight and muscle and I'm feeling much older than I should. I wonder if I will ever feel as I did ever a year ago.

As it is, I haven't felt like blogging. I don't want to shut down this blog just yet, because I may in the future feel I need to speak.

To those that have visited: Have a Happy New Year

Lost

What ever changes Google has made recently, has changed my ability to have the widgets I want on my iGoogle page and this blog. I am too lazy to investigate, even though I am irritated that I can only use widgets that are for Gen X,Y or whomever Google thinks are their followers (zombies).

What to do

When I was a preteen I wanted to be a test pilot. I got my first pair of glasses at 12. Pilot dream died and the next best thing was to be Nuclear Physicist. Going to a piss poor high school ended that dream in my freshman year. I did take music lessons all through school, learn to play piano, sax and oboe. Tried out for college orchestra, not good enough. Thought I could get a cush job in the Army when they had tryouts for the WAC band, too bad, three days before they remove a wisdom tooth and I couldn't blow a note. No second chances in the military. Such as my life as been all failed dreams, my last, getting a degree and it not counting for anything; no new job or promotion. People are always comfortable with the way you were.

So now I am retired, the media says it time for me to reinvent myself. The question is how. I am not one who is fortunate to say 60 is the new 40. My body rebels against that. I'm alive without dialysis, but being a kidney transplant patient is still not without its problems. It also takes resources, which I have little for the first year and with utility cost doubling almost every year, inflation and my drug cost; additional income will get sucked up.

Volunteer? No! I given too much out of duty, not for emotional reward. I get nothing out of it. I was intrigued for a while and thought I might enter into a teaching program. My application was accepted, but I bailed out, because it was really designed for young teachers. I would have had to complete a masters in three years while teaching, full time. Too much work to be retired.

I can't stare at the wall, but what to do?

Wedding

Salto de Sete Quedas - Brasil
Creative Commons Some rights reserved

mario cesar mendonça gomes' photostream

Oft times I live my life in daydreams, which I learned never come true, but somehow they make me happy during the moments I create them.

I fell in love at first sight. True. I am not sure I will ever see him again. True.

During our first encounter I told him I had wanted to see the largest waterfalls of the world during my retirement. During that conversation he told me of a waterfall in South America, which he thought was a most beautiful place. I thought then if our relationship developed, perhaps I could ask him to take me there. I don't remember where, only the visualization of the place. All true.

I have not been able to do very much this past month, so I am left to the internet and the roaming of my mind. True.

He comes to be my lover, we laze around, get our houses together, and travel locally a bit. Finally I ask, can we visit that water fall. He a bit reluctant, but says will we do it.

We are at this waterfall. Its awesome, quite different than Niagara. Our vantage point is high as I imagine with the waterfall somewhat lower elevation parting a very wide gorge through the mountain. Its devoid of the rushing voices of tourist, only the thunder of the falls. As we watch and listen to the falls I feel so joyous that tears come to my eyes. He holding me close, I don't hear the words, but see the ring. I want this. Say yes.

First conversation, made it very clear he had no intention of ever getting married again. True.

I want to get married at this place. we find a way to hook us up to a webcast so friends and family could be present. Then upload to YouTube later for those that missed it. He finds some old acquaintances to be witnesses.

He has a suit and shirt, no tie. He looks fabulous. He cuts quite a figure, still has a tight body. Me? I have little hair, totally gray now, covered with a flower garland and a gauze like shapeless summer dress. I'm wondering, if I'm too old for the dress.

The wedding vows take place at sunset, with our silhouette in the camera. then as we kiss, a song sung in the native language of love, only the female voice. A haunting sound again the backdrop of the falls. We then turn to the camera an tell every one we will visit soon, then good bye. I can't stop smiling.

The day dream not long enough. My retelling may seem trite, but it is a way for me to replay the dream and momentarily have hope. I've been in so much pain the last few weeks. He tells me he is on the road working, that he thinks of me and is looking forward for some time together; that is when he writes. True.

The only true thing that I know is that I fell in love at first sight.

Been sick

Still having health problems. Haven't been able to form any kind of post, although there have been a few things on my mind. I have made short comments on others blogs, because it didn't require the same thought process. Hopefully my mind and body will be back soon.

Tomorrow

Of unknown purpose

I'd embark on the journey

Lead by your heart sound

 

Intuition

noun
the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.
Concise Oxford English Dictionary

This is not a paranormal ability, the understanding comes from experience. From the day we are born our minds are learning, creating connections, and storing important survival knowledge. Our eye give us cues that we are getting close to an edge of a precipice, our noses tell us where there is smoke there's fire and we feel heat as we approach something hot.

We usually don't think of emotion as a sense, but we learn from our reactions to words and deeds, a way to avoid the unpleasant actions. The caustic intonation, the contortion of a face and an aggressive body movement have been learned as a source of distress.

When everyone has been hardwired, so to speak, why do some people have to be smacked in the face with an action, to believe what others have been intuitively saying?

I'm Cold

Today was rainy and warm. At times a heavy downpour. It was the kind of rain one could enjoy sitting on a screened-in porch. The rain was not the kind I wanted to drive in, but none the less I had too.

When I entered my building it was cool and soon as I walked back to my workstation the cold temperature and dampness hit me. A few hours latter, my legs were achy. Later that afternoon I noticed the temperature, 69 degrees F. For me this is cold. It isn't like being outside with the sun shining, generating a little warmth on my skin. It is like being in a cold rain, soaked to the skin.

All day I kept thinking about retirement and that soon I can be warm or be able to keep warm. I was seriously thinking about going to personnel and signing the papers to retire, although I have three months to go. The nineteen years I have work at this place I have hardly ever been comfortable. I am cold all year long. The older I get the less I can tolerate the coldness. I have always tolerated a lot of heat as long as the humidity was low. I grew up without air conditioning and remember the Five and Dime had only ceiling fans in the summer. Now everywhere seems super cold in summer. As for work, I'm sick and tired of being sick and cold.

When I'm Sixty Four

It will be thirteen days.

When I'm Sixty-Four - with Lyrics

I will be 64 in a few weeks. I am amazed how fast I have gotten here in spite of the fact that many horrific years seemed to have moved so slowly. The Beatles song When I'm Sixty Four poses the questions of love, when time has changed us. When you are young, you might have thought the mind ages with the body. By the time I was forty I knew this was not true, becoming mature is not the same as aging. I still have the same intellect, curiosity, desires and needs as I did at 25. Unfortunately, the body does age and changes so much. Since I have not grown old with someone, I wonder if anyone can love, need and feed me.

Old and singular

I have been called bitter, because I thought I had deserved more in life and said so. I am invisible, because I am older and I am also singular.

I became a singular person during my last marriage, I can’t really say how this happen. I have never been an outgoing sort of person, but I had had a few friends before.

I thought I would take a vacation and now I find that I am penalized for being singular. The better bargains are for double occupancy.

Too old to get a date, but not quite old enough to get those senior discounts.