Five of Nine

In some ways even though I do not have any prosthesis, I do have a part that I was not born with, in that sense I feel as a progenitor of Borg. I’ve assimilated another. I do wish the kidney had been artificial, being part machine would probably be more healthy. No fear of rejection and taking powerful medications. Medications that not only wreck havoc with your immune system, give you the usual side effects (you know the ones on all the TV ads), and weakens your bones. I have lost too much bone, more from the meds than aging. For a while I had to walk with a cane. With lots of calcium supplements, I do get around much better now and don’t feel as much pain. Took the doctors too damned long to diagnose, go figure.

In my mind eye, I am aspiring to be Seven of Nine, the Borg who has left the collective. I want to be as strong, intelligent and sexy. I see myself at 61 doing dangerous things, superhero things and most brilliant at everything I do. I want this amazing affair with lift the earth kind of sex. In reality, I’m a couch potato. Why am I’m not grateful to just be alive? Because I need to live my imagination, I just have a window of time, not of death, but to the next dialysis, whenever my transplant fails. There is no guarantee that I will out live my kidney. There has to be more for me. Problem is, I have to figure how to do this. I hate doing things by myself, because everything gets amplified emotionally. Seeing couples, younger people, or better looking people; all my little green voices tell me how lonely I am, how old I’m getting, and how unattractive aging is.

I became a singular person during my last marriage, I can’t really say how this happen. I have never been an outgoing sort of person, but I had had a few friends before. I want to begin to move out into the world, but I don’t want to be stuck in groups, that are seniors only, people with the same opinions, or some group that does some repetitive activity. This blog may or may not be a chronicle of this goal, but it will be what I’m thinking. I may do nothing.