January 03, 2007

Ghosts

The new year brings ghosts from years past. They travel through my mind, reminding me of things not done, goals not kept, places not seen; all of what I thought would have been done, when I would be this age. Having regrets, which I never said I would say when I was young. Even this blog has not been what I wanted it to be.

I started this blog, thinking I would only look with in myself and discover what I needed to do to go forward. This hasn’t happened. I think I have done more ranting and writing about some things that just have been on my mind. I’ve would like to have had more discussions. Most stop by, only to look. If they do stay awhile I rarely get any comments. I wonder if there is little interest, because I don’t have a fixed point of view. I have decided that I can’t figure out what it would take for me to go forward, so I will not be writing about it. Sometimes I think it may be time for this blog to become one of my ghosts.

I will continue to write for awhile. There are a few more ideas I want to express. I am mulling over one now, but feel I don’t have the scholarship to write the kind of essay that would inspire thoughtful conversation. It just came to me, even though it’s in my profile. I want to have conversations like I use to have when I was younger; what we would call “rap sessions.”

If one thing I try for would turn out right, I think the ghosts would go away. If my life follows its previous path, I probably will not get the timing right, until it’s time to leave.
I am going to have to stop trying for awhile, in order to resolve another health issue. I have also decided to have my kidneys removed. I want a better body image. Need to look sharp for those interviews and not pregnant. I got asked that, during holiday shopping. It’s not flattering; I think I look my age. Will anyone ask if I am pregnant when I’m 70?

I will try harder when my surgery heals. I have no choice, but to try to die without regrets. I want to have had an accomplishment, loved and been loved, traveled to those waterfalls and inspired my child. I want to get rid of those ghosts.

UPDATE: These kidneys had failed in 2001 and my first dialysis was December 10. I was fortunate to get a kidney transplant a year and a half later.

4 comments:

A. said...

Hi, I'm one of your lurkers who haven't posted any comments! If you look at your stats, I'd be from England and then France. We live both places.

I found your blog from following a link on Figleaf's. From something I saw there I believe he encouraged you to start your own blog and I thought I might do the same. I was going to get in touch before the holidays but ran out of time and we've been travelling since.

Anyway, do please continue with the blog. I don't think it has anything to do with not having a fixed point of view, nor scholarship.

But even if you don't, please take care of yourself.

Hathor said...

A.
I'll try to continue as long as I feel I need to say something. I changed part of my header to reflect what I write about. Thanks, and I will take care of myself.

Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

I also read though I don't comment much. I find myself commenting less and less as time goes by. I simply can't find the time anymore as my little jobs multiply.

But I hope that you continue blogging.

By the way ... if I may ask ... how does one survive without kidneys?

Jeffery Hodges

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Hathor said...

I'll update my post. I had a kidney transplant three and a half years ago. When that fails I will go back on dialysis.The kidneys are just taking up space.